[Joke] Married vs. Unmarried

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, the other is  a
mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our partners
by wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We
agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here’s how it all went.

My engaged friend: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me
with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said,
‘You are the woman of my dreams. I love you’ and we made  love all night long.

The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I
was wearing the leather bodice and heels under a raincoat and the mask over
my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but we had wild
sex all night.

Then I shared my story: When my hubby came home I was wearing the
leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon
as he came in the door and saw me he said,

‘What’s for dinner, Batman?"

 

Garden Grass Snakes can be dangerous

>> Yes grass snakes.
>>
>>
>>
>> Not rattlesnakes.
>>
>>
>>
>> Here’s why.
>>
>>
>>
>> A couple in Sweetwater,Texas, had a lot of potted plants.
>>
>>
>>
>> During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors
>> to protect them from a possible freeze.
>>
>>
>>
>> It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of
>> the plants, and when it warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it
>> go under the sofa.
>>
>>
>>
>> She let out a very loud scream.
>>
>>
>>
>> The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked
>> to see what the problem was.
>>
>>
>>
>> She told him there was a snake under the sofa.
>>
>>
>>
>> He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.
>>
>>
>>
>> About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind.
>>
>>
>>
>> He thought the snake had bitten him; so he scramed and fell over on the
>> floor.
>>
>>
>>
>> His wife thought he had had a heart attact, so she covered him up, told
>> him to lie still and she called the ambulance.
>>
>>
>>
>> The attendants rushed in, wouldn’t listen to his protest and loaded him
>> on the stretcher and started carring him out.
>>
>>
>>
>> About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency
>> Medical Technicain saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher.
>>
>>
>>
>> That’s when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.
>>
>>
>>
>> The wife still had the problem with the snake in the house; so she called
>> a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a
>> rolled-up newapaper and began poking under the sofa.
>>
>>
>>
>> Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the on
>> the sofa in relief.
>>
>>
>>
>> But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she
>> felt the snake wriggling around.
>>
>>
>>
>> She screamed and fainted;  the snake rushed back under the sofa.
>>
>>
>>
>> The neighbor man seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to
>> revive her.
>>
>>
>>
>> The neighbor’s wife who had just returned from shopping at the grocery
>> store, saw her husband’s mouth on the woman’s mouth and slammed her
>> husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him
>> out and cutting his scalp to a point where he needed stitches.
>>
>>
>>
>> The noise woke the woman from her dead faint, and she saw her neighbor
>> lying on the floor with his wife bending over him. So she assumed he had
>> been bitten by the snake.
>>
>>
>>
>> So she went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began
>> pouring it down the man’s throat.
>>
>>
>>
>> By now the police had arrived.
>>
>>
>>
>> The saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a
>> drunken fight had occured.They were about to arrest them all, when the
>> women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green
>>
>> snake.
>>
>>
>>
>> The police called an ambulance which took away the neighbor and his
>> sobbing wife.
>>
>>
>>
>> Now again the little green snake crawled out from under the sofa, and one
>> of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and
>> hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over; the lamp on it
>> shattered, and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
>>
>>
>>
>> The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell thru the
>> window into the yard on top of the family dog, who startled jumped out
>> and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it, and
>> smashed into the police car.
>>
>>
>>
>> Meanwhile, the burning drapes were seen by neighbors who called the fire
>> department.
>>
>>
>>
>> The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway
>> down the street. The ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the
>> power and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square block area (but
>> they did get the house fire out).
>>
>>
>>
>> Time passed!
>>
>>
>>
>> Both men were discharged from the hospital; the house was repaired; the
>> dog came home; the police acquired a new car, and all was right with
>> their world.
>>
>>
>>
>> A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold
>> snap for the night.
>>
>>
>>
>> The wife asked her husband if thought they should bring in their plants
>> for the night.
>>
>>
>> And that’s when he shot her.

 

MBA fresher’s probation period

This one just made my day which started out pretty gloomy just as usual. After reading this, I laughing so hard that it brightened up the rest of my day….

Its kind of long, but totally worth it hyeah:

July 27th
Dear Diary,
I can’t hold myself down. My FIRST day on the job!! And I like it already.

“Assistant Junior Deputy to the Vice Chairman – Manufacturing”. My dad was thrilled when he heard my designation.

“What the f!@#!!!” were his exact words. Oh I love it when my parents are happy…

Need to meet HR in half an hour. I can’t wait to get my first Employee ID Card and cubicle. I hope Parthasarathy Whatayblouse Crappers (PWC) is the beginning of great things.

P.S. I have brought my favorite textbooks back from the institute OD, OM and HR should help me grow rapidly in the organization. And I WILL handle soft issues before facing hard issues here at PWC.

July 28th
Dear Diary,
Had a lot of fun with HR yesterday. The guy who had recruited me had left a month ago. So they didn’t know I was joining. We had a hearty laugh over that one.

I’ll get my cubicle in a few days time. For the time being I am sharing a nice one with Claire. She’s with Corporate Communication.

The phone doesn’t work though…

August 2nd
Dear Diary,
Met my boss today. He spent a lot of time with my CV and then asked me how I managed to get a job with them. (Even he knows how lucky they are to get me..) He told me to review our material ordering system in the err… umm… the… the “big yellow and blue noisy machine section” of the plant.

Claire is working on an “Our Employees Love Us” campaign. The office boy had just resigned. So she got me to pose with an apron and a tray of cookies for a photo. They are going to call me Ramon and use it for
ads. I am going to be famous.

August 7th
Dear Diary,
My first breakthrough. I have decided to order nickel ball bearings using the EQO.. QEO… whatever formula. It takes into account item cost, holding cost and weight of ball bearing I think. The purchase guy gave me a funny look when he saw my annual requisition contract form. He is obviously not an MBA…

Claire resigned today. She told me carry on with the “Our Employees Love Us” campaign.

P.S. Lesson for the week. You cannot order 0.7564 of a ball bearing. It has to be in whole numbers.

August 11th
Dear Diary,
I just got a shipment of 4384 ball bearings. I checked up with Engineering.

They said that should be enough for around 14 years of requirement. I gave them 3 and stashed away the rest in a cupboard in my room. If prices of ball bearings go up, I see a lot of potential savings.

I have decided to develop informal channels of communication. From tomorrow I will spend a little time next to the coffee machine to understand the unspoken messages within the underbelly of the firm.

(That OD book is good)

August 14th
Dear Diary,
I sent my first official letter today. It was to our Facilities manager Merry Le Bian. She is a hottie. I told her that the Coffee Machine takes too much time to reheat between refills. Wrote it in a WAC format and all with a table of contents and everything. She is sure going to be impressed!! I spell checked it in MS word and emailed it to her an hour ago. No reply yet.

They scrapped the “Our Employees Love Us” campaign. The photo shoot was taking up too much time, and people were being forced to stay late without extra pay. Someone finally went and vandalised the banner.
It now reads “Our Employers Shove Us“. I offered to model for all the snaps and videos. They called me a ********. I was delighted. ******** is internal slang for “Big Stud”. HR told me. Everyone calls me that…

P.S. One more shipment of ball bearings came. Again 4384. The contract can’t be changed now. I dont have too much space left in my cupboard.

August 25th
Dear Diary,
My letter came back. It had a pink post-it on it from Merry. “Please proofread” it said. It was CC’d to my boss. How was I supposed to know MS Word would spell check her name and change it to Merry Lesbian????!!!!

Where’s natural justice?

Today five minutes before a meeting the cupboard door broke open. It took me ten minutes to pick up all the ball bearings from the floor. I had to run to the board room for the meeting and slipped on a bearing which rolled under the door. I fell on the coffee machine and tipped coffee powder into the polymer mixing matching tray. No one saw anything.

P.S. Sorry for the long break. My computer crashed. There was a mail from an old friend. She’s now married into the Welchia family I think.

Crashed after that. Strange name that Welchia…

September 2nd
Dear Diary,
My boss told me I may not last the probation period. I was mighty thrilled to hear that. Imagine!! Permanent in less than three months!!

That should be some sort of company record.

I made a presentation to all the staff yesterday. Some 300 people were there. I think I sent good vibes. Everyone was smiling and nodding their heads during the presentation. Someone later told me my fly was open the whole time. But I don’t think anyone noticed. The presentation was on “An Open Culture: Let the feeling show!!”

p.s. 17156 ball bearings. I floated a scheme to give each employee a ball bearing for every year of service. The HR manager immediately convened a meeting with my boss. Every suggestion counts here at PWC.

September 4th
Dear Diary,
I have been transferred to the office in Sub-Saharan Africa . I will be heading the Room Heater and Hot Water Geyser products division. They have also told me to pay for all the ball bearings I bought. I think it speaks much of the entrepreneurial spirit. I have been told to leave immediately for Kujumbinana.

P.S. A foreign posting in under a year!!!

September 5th
Dear Diary,
I am in Kujumbinana. We don’t have a branch here…

Never miss an oppurtunity

A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands their money. Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, “Did you see me rob this bank?”

The man replied, “Yes sir, I did.” The robber then shot him in the temper , killing him instantly.

He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, “Did you see me rob this bank?”

The man replied, “No sir, I didn’t, but my wife did!”

Moral – When Opportunity knocks…. MAKE USE OF IT !!!!

At times, Destiny ‘chases’ you…

Sometimes you know that its just not your day… Sometimes you don’t.

Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided
to commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and
tied a noose around his neck. He tied the other end of the
rope to a large rock. He drank some poison and set fire to
his clothes. He even tried to shoot himself at the last
moment.

He jumped and fired the pistol. The bullet missed him and
cut through the rope above him. Free of the threat of hanging,
he plunged into the sea. The sudden dunking extinguished the
flames and made him vomit the poison. He was dragged out of the
water by a kind fisherman and was taken to hospital, where he
died … of exposure!

Please forward this to atleast 10 people

Got this by mail…

Hi….I lost my brand new Natraj HB pencil with a rubber attached. The pencil costs Rs.3/. If u forward this msg I will get one paisa from orkut. If you have heart and want to help a poor child in need, plz fwd it to atleast 10 friends. Please don’t neglect. Otherwise my mom will scold me. If you forward it then your life will change for ever (u will get one pack of sketch pens and an apsara non-dust eraser within 3 days). Do NOT delete this message otherwise greek gods will get angry with you and your life will be pencil-less forever. Good Luck will come to you for wasting time & forwarding this nonsense message

Trading – the scene in United States?

While checking out the prospoects of stock trading and related stuff, i stumbled across this joke!!! It does make sense in a wierd kind of way.

• If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.
• With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00.
• With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.
• If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, You would have had $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

[Source: email]

[Malayalam] Decisions @ Home

Check it out…. This is for Mallus…. If you understand this language, enjoy it!!!!

ഒരിക്കല്‍ രാജുമോന്‍ എന്നോട് ചോദിച്ചു (രാജുമോന് വയസ്സ് മുപ്പതാ ട്ടാ..അവന്റെ പേരങ്ങനായിപ്പോയി!) സന്തുഷ്ടമായ ദാമ്പത്യജീവിതത്തിന്റെ രഹസ്യം എന്താണെന്ന്..
ഞാന്‍ പറഞ്ഞൂ…
“ഡേയ്..റെസ്‌പോണ്‍സിബിളിറ്റി ഷെയറ് ചെയ്താല്‍ മതി..വ്യക്തമായ അതിര്‍ വരമ്പുകള്‍ തീര്‍ത്ത്..അങ്ങോട്ടുമിങ്ങോട്ടും റെസ്പെക്റ്റോടെ, അവരുടെ തീരുമാനങ്ങള്‍ മാനിച്ച്..”

“എന്ന്വച്ചാ?”

“എന്ന്വച്ചാ, എന്റെ വീട്ടില്‍ വലിയവലിയ കാര്യങ്ങളില്‍ തീരുമാനമെടുക്കുന്നത് ഞാനാണ്. ചെറിയ കാര്യങ്ങളില്‍ ശ്രീമതിയും..അതില്‍ അങ്ങോട്ടുമിങ്ങോട്ടും കൈകടത്താറില്ല..”

“ഫോര്‍ എസ്കാമ്പിള്‍?”

“ഫോര്‍ എസ്കാമ്പിള്‍…ഏതു കാറ് വാങ്ങണം, എത്ര രൂപാ സേവ് ചെയ്യണം, എപ്പോ നാട്ടില്‍ പോകണം, ഏത് സോഫാ, ടി വി, ഫ്രിഡ്ജ് വാങ്ങണം, മാസ ചിലവ്, മെയിഡ് വേണോ വേണ്ടയോ, എക്സ്ട്റാ ഒരു റൂം പണിയണോ വേണ്ടയോ തുടങ്ങിയ ചെറിയ കാര്യങ്ങളില്‍ ശ്രീമതിയാണ് തീരുമാനമെടുക്കാറ്..ഞാന്‍ അത് മാനിക്കും!”

“അപ്പോ താങ്കള്‍?”

“ബു ഹഹഹ..തീരുമാനംസ് ഒണ്‍ലി ഫോര്‍ ബിഗ് ഇഷ്യൂസ്….അമേരിക്ക ഇറാനെ ആക്രമിക്കണോ വേണ്ടയോ, സിംബാവേയുടെ മുകളിലുള്ള ഉപരോധം ബ്രിട്ടന്‍ നീക്കണോ, ആഫ്രിക്കന്‍ ഇകോണമി ഓപ്പണ്‍ ആക്കണോ മുതലായവയില്‍ ഞാനാണ് തീരുമാനം..എന്റെ ശ്രീമതി കമാന്ന് എതിര് പറയില്ല!!! ങ്‌ഹാ!”

“…..”

I got this from a comment on one of the posts @ Kodakarapuranam blog. A really nice blog for people who understand Malayalam!!!

Match made in heaven

Another one for the laughs…

A young couple were driving down the road one day, happily, deliriously in love and due to be married the next day. Suddenly, a large truck swerved from the oncoming lanes into their car! BOOM! and they both died.

At the Pearly Gates, the young couple confronted St. Peter. “Sir, you have to help us! We were to be married tomorrow. Is there any way we can be married in Heaven?” “Hmmm,” replied St. Peter, “I don’t recall there ever being a marriage in Heaven. Well, let’s take it up with God and see what he says.”

So they approached God with their plea. God sat for a moment, pondering the request. Then he looked down and said, “Come back in five years and ask me again.”

Five years later, the couple approached God again, even more in love than ever and pleading that he allow their marriage. God paused for quite a while musing over their request. Then he spoke, “Come back in five years and ask me again.”

And once again, five years later, the couple was again in the presence of God, more in love than ever and begging God’s permission for the third time to marry. This time God smiled broadly and thundered, “Yes my children, you may marry!”

Well, the wedding went off beautifully, the reception was huge, everyone thought the bride was simply breathtaking and the groom was soooo handsome, and everyone was happy! Until… Two years later, the couple was back before God, and things were not looking so good.

The couple had come to the realization almost immediately that although marriages were made in heaven, they didn’t last very long there!

And, in spite of their struggles to come to terms with the situation, they had decided there simply was no alternative but to get a divorce. Black clouds fractured by, lightening rolled across the sky, and the
ground shook with explosive thunder. God glared down at the tiny couple before him, his face becoming dark and angry, and he roared,

“Divorce?! Impossible!!!
It took us TEN years just to find a priest in Heaven! Do you have any idea how long it will take to find a LAWYER?!!”

Discoveries

Note: Ladies… Please excuse….. I am not some kind of a racist/sexist character. Found this in my mailbox… It did bring a smile on my lips… Thought of sharing it with you all…

Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.

Man discovered colors, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up .

Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip .

Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
Woman discovered food, invented diet.

Man discovered friendship, invented love.
Woman discovered love, invented marriage .

Man discovered trade, invented money.
Woman discovered money, man has never recovered…